Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
You Might Also Like
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.