Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both