Previously On Persistence 😎
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.