Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Namaste
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire