when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.