[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Effort made
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Safety first
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.