a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs