Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Meat Cute
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok