My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’m confused about plants
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
OMG 🤣🤣
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
next level snooze
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.