Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
live, laugh, laundry.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.