Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Ron is short for Aaronald
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it