STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
somebody come look at this
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.