Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Who did it better?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
necessity is the mother of invention
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point