Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Poetry is my passion
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
nice challenge
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.