I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.