I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
english majors be like furthermore
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.