Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.