Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
rapatouille
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views