You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
You Might Also Like
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m being attacked 😭
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.