Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
This has made my week.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail