Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Sponch
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Hank is one in a melon.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.