As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.