I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Um … Hot Wings please
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
can’t believe I got front row seats
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force