Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Check out the legs on this baby
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”