What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“We will wed,” I threatened
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive