The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.