Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
getting carded isn鈥檛 cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i鈥檓 not here to have fun. hand over the substances
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 馃幎
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it鈥檚 probably cupcakes.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)