It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Kids: Stay in school.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what