If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon