Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.