shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.