Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori