HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You Might Also Like
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.