STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.