Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Thursday
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Bringing home a sharpie
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side