I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk