I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You Might Also Like
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory