When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]