Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.