Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.