Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first