Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker