mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again