Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
🚲+physics = winner
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.