This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret