the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You have been warned.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots