Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
starting a garage orchestra
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor