BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
favorite tropes as memes
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Just a friendly reminder!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable