People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.