“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.